How to Slow Down Time

As you get older, time seems to speed up. Days and weeks seem shorter and shorter. Then, poof, there goes another month, another year. I have discovered how to stop this process cold in its tracks.
Give up eating starch.
No, seriously. I was gaining weight in a scientifically unlikely amount and writing down every bite I ate; the calorie count could not even begin to account for the four pounds a week the scale kept inexorably showing.
Then I decided: okay, if your guts think you are still starving, make them work to get the calories out of the food. So: eggs, fish, meat, veg, fruit. No sugar, wheat, potatoes, corn, or rice.
Holy shit.
A day lasts forever on this regimen. There is nothing to look forward to, and eating is not fun. The last week at work doing this was about a month long, and that's with going home one afternoon with a stomach bug.
I lost about four and a half pounds in ten days, also highly unlikely, and am not the least pleased. For this amount of suffering I should have acquired Adriana Lima's body.