This has got to be a joke

The good news is, my short-term memory started coming back. About a week ago I was able to close the book I was studying from in my graduate on-line class and remember some facts. That is huge: I was unable to do that and passed the January quiz by dint of Post-It flags throughout the text readings and class notes, and the fact that I could still read fast so I could pass an open-book test.
Same for the first two quizzes in February, and I was really starting to sweat the closed-book, proctored final. The only thing that would save me would be if they asked LOTS of practical questions, I never missed those because that is something I did for years. But last week's quiz I had all my flags at the ready, all new material, and didn't really need them, I had finally started being able to learn my work again. Brilliant, right, because today is the final. I had gone as the class required to my local college and had the librarian sign up to be my proctor. I gave her all the details on her own copies and even had her access the test site to make sure there weren't any firewalls in the way.
Right.
I got to the library today and she wasn't there. She had forgotten and gone to lunch. The assistant, a student worker, didn't know what to do. Timed test, now. Starts on time, ends on time. Fight off panic; here she comes, right as the clock ticks to test hour. Um. She is unable to access the Internet for me to take my test. When she did it before, it was on her password, and she won't do that now. Turns out? University policy is that there is no way to access the internet without being a student or teacher there. Oops. Lots of dithering in the middle here and calling the IT guy and stuff; I am 1) trying not to cry or scream, but am pretty sure I am sweating in my crotch; 2) Hoping this does not do what any stress usually does and give me huge uncontrollable diarrhea to just completely ice this fucking cake. When she just tries to blow me off twenty minutes in, I guilt her into sending an email to the online school about the situation. She takes full responsibility and admits she did not read or understand the proctor agreement.
They are supposed to let me take it tomorrow. The library downtown has signed off and they seem sane and competent. I don't have a rabbit's foot but there are four cats over here that should watch their p's and q's.