Whew

Object of Affection #1, beloved and beautiful and good-smelling daughter, has left the driveway enroute to college. Thank God and all her angels. I love that child beyond reason but she is in full houseguest mode. I can't seem to get her to kick in to adult ownership of this house and its duties, much less come and take care of my sick ass. Since I have been feeling ill, I just wish she would stay with her grandfather when she is in town and come over to visit when she is bright-eyed. It would really hurt her feelings but I may ask her to do that if she doesn't go somewhere fun at Spring Break and I'm not feeling chipper. I asked her to do specific things, and I talked to her about not feeling up to entertaining, and wanting her to pitch in and take ownership of things around the house. Bottom line; she did the laundry last night, and loaded the dishwasher, but everything else for the last ten days needs doing now, and I'm tired from the cooking and shopping. She did a little better controlling her migraines this visit; sometimes she comes home without any medicine and just has one continuous headache. I had those in college too, but I sent her to the neurologist and expect her to keep her medicine on hand so she's not a patient when she gets here.

 A lot of this blues riff comes from being raised by maids, and having lost my long-time housekeeper who I felt like was my anchor. Mess makes me sad, because there's no one to take care of me. Picking up after myself is okay, even though it makes me feel faint now and I have to do it in small doses. But doing it after other people makes me devastated, like I'll never feel happy again. I know that's stupid, but now that my housekeeper of 16 years has had her back spoiled by surgery, I don't have any easy rush of endorphins from coming home to the reassuring smell of Pine-Sol and Murphy Soap. Losing my housekeeper was a lot harder on me than having my Dad die and deciding to stop seeing Voldemom. My housekeeper gave me such a gift every week of order and peace and was always supportive and encouraging.  I didn't even have to see her for her to make me so incredibly happy just walking in the door.
  Having to fight so hard to get my disability money, I would be hard put to juggle the money to pay her but I've eaten beans to keep her employed before, and I'd sure do it now. I just have a couple of months to muddle through this, get back to work somehow, and find a housekeeper I trust again. Walking in the house on a Thursday afternoon to dusted shelves and vacuumed floors, things I didn't have to ask anyone to do, no please, just thank you....oh that is what love feels like, I am sure.  Meanwhile, I think I have to put on sweet eyes and ask Object of Affection #2, boyfriend, if he will please vacuum all this dog hair. Argh. Asking. Or do it myself and be too tired to do anything else today.